hyperventilating

I leave at 5 a.m. tomorrow for the bar exam. There are a stack of preparation books I never even opened because I didn't have time. I fly into the closest airport and drive three hours to the hotel.

While I'm gone, the movers will have come and taken away everything we own.

I am so afraid.

The fear of failure has always been my biggest worry - aside from never being loved.

If you've got a spare prayer, or thought, or anything, I could use it right now.

In the next five days, I have to sit the bar, clean out my entire house, and move cross country. Why in the world did I think this was a good idea again?

Not a good idea

No matter how much you are desperately craving mexican food, eating 24 jalepenos in one sitting will not abate that desire, and frankly it just is NOT a good idea. You will be in serious pain all night long, and no amount of tagamet will relieve this pain.

Trust me.

Damn you J.K. Rowling

If I fail the bar, it will be your fault.

Initial here

Elegantly woven twisted and bound
six thousand threads of crimson
imprison my despondency
echoing devotion

do not forsake
the scent of spring
hope of twilight's touch
molten copper cascading
over palest porcelain

Between, among, inside
every permutation, nuanced
trust the undeniable
truth, passion, love

weary yet strong
stand until duty
fulfilled, no longer tarries
hold fast
remember even trifles

Leave now with haste
armed with faith
annointed by fate
bravery suits you.

Ants in the pants?!?!?

I've been 26 for almost a week now, and I still haven't talked to either of my parents. I bought myself roses on my birthday, and they shriveled up and wilted, without ever opening. Bah.

You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt.

I got a few random e-mails that surprised me, my roommate from grad school, a girl who I haven't seen since the first year of law school...

Michael's gift to me isn't being delivered until we move into the new house, but he showed up with Ants in the Pants as a joke. I laughed so hard I cried. And for the record, it's actually much harder to play than I would have imagined.

I started a new job on Monday, although considering that I won't actually show up to it until August 1, it feels a little strange to think that I'm "working" when I'm sitting on the couch in my underwear.

My mom left a message the day after my birthday to let me know that my grandmother fell and shattered her arm trying to grab a stray kitten off the porch. When they got home from the hospital the air conditioning was broken in the house. When it rains, well in our family it's a veritable flash flood.

In two weeks, I will be done with the bar exam. I am so ill prepared, and so stressed. I just keep telling myself, this too will pass. This too will pass. I just hope I do.

Goodbyes

I'm not a real girly girl (ironic that I say that considering that I'm wearing a bright pink skirt, a cashmere black seater, a diamond brooch and a ribbon belt that matches the skirt with a pair of strappy black sandals) but I spent a few hours - and I won't even mention how much $$ saying my goodbyes to Sephora over the weekend. Yes, I realize that it's possible to order online - but it's not the same. It really isn't. I played will all sorts of pretty sparkly things and came home with a random bunch of stuff (Benefit's Bathina shaving cream which my Sephora no longer stocks but just happened to have some in the back - it's heaven. I've been using it for a year and it's w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l., some Cargo bronzer, some Sephora eye makeup remover, a new compact, blah blah blah.)

I'll miss my local Sephora although I have to admit that I wasn't as in love with the one in Paris like I thought I would be. The closest one to where we'll be is outside St. Louis, or Dallas.

I'm trying to say my goodbyes to a lot of places.

Last night we went to the little hole in the wall Cuban restaurant that I love. A giant piece of grilled snapper piled high with onions and lime served with black beans that are like velvet and rice and fried plantains for $9.95. Heavenly delicious.

I'm also trying to say my goodbyes to a lot of people too, something I've never been good at or comfortable with. I have a ton of acquaintances here, but no true friends to speak of. I can probably count on one hand how many "real" friends I've had in my life - the ones that no matter how many miles or years pass, we can still pick up right where we left off. The ones whose smiles are forever etched onto my heart. In a way, it's sad that I don't have someone here like that to say goodbye to. But then again, I'm grateful, because I'm much more the type of person who just slips away undetected.

A lot of "friends" from law school want to get together before I leave... but I just don't feel into it. It feels contrived - I mean we haven't been keeping up with each other for the last two years, so why should my departure have a last hurrah?