Vulnerable

I have tired to ensure that I distanced myself as much as possible from as many people as I could.

I pushed away those closest to me. I kept secrets, even at times from myself. The truth about who I am, who I think I am - at least, was always hidden beneath a thin veil of secrecy. Little by little, I would let people in - slowly shedding the outer layers of protection. Inevitably the closeness became that which hurt me most. Inevitably my words were brought back - twisted and snarled. My misconstrued truths appeared pregnant with mendacity under the harsh light of criticism.

I had forgotten how precarious it is to be vulnerable. I forgot how simultaneously frightening and alluring it is to be raw - so open, allowing another to casually thumb through my pages, reading, interpreting as they see fit. To be disrobed of secrecy... my breath feels stolen. My heart pounds and my hands quiver.

Without anonyminity to cloak me, I am left defenseless.

With all my armor falling down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep

Learning to trust is so difficult.