The green monster
Jealousy is for me an intense emotion. It's something that I have to work very dilligently at controlling - and I recognize fully at times that it is completely irrational. In the early part of my marriage - it nearly overwhelmed me. There are three women in Michael's life that I find myself from time to time immensely jealous of.
And Christie - if you're reading this - please - I ask you do not keep reading.
No I'm serious. Stop.
First is C1. His first love in college - who looks frightenly like my sister D. When we first met, I was flipping through his college photo albums and I saw a picture of her and asked him why he had a picture of my sister in there. They look that much alike. From what I understand, they haven't talked in years. But there will always be a part of his heart that belongs to her. He would have married C1, but she wasn't ready for a lifelong commitment. I know that when he looks back - she will always be the "what if" that is looming in his mind when we go through rough patches. It would be wrong to say that we don't all probably have those "what if" individuals in our lives that we wonder about from time to time {admittedly I do myself}. So while I am jealous, at least theoretically of C1 - it is a harmless fear for the most part.
Second is C2. C2 was the one he "almost" married. They were together for around five years, and lived together most of those. After college, he went to the graduate school she got admitted to (even though he got into the best school in the country for his field) to be with her. He truly loved her - but this time he was the one who wasn't ready. After about five years she gave him an ultimatum - and he decided that while he loved her, marriage just wasn't the right thing for them. So they split ways, amicably. They still talk occasionally via email - updates from her about her kids, and holidays cards, etc. When we first started trying for a baby (about a year and a half ago - thus the "battling infertility" part of my header) he gushed to her about how excited he was that we would be starting a family. She (of course) conceived both times on the first month off the pill - and as the months drifted into a year, and then longer - I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when she asked him what the hold up was.
The third, is - however dysfunctional it is and may seem to others - my best friend. After C2(or rather - I should say during the end of their relationship) Christie entered the picture. They were together on and off for a number of years. They've known each other for at least ten years. Eventually the recognized that their relationship wasn't healthy for either of them, and they left the relationship as best friends.
When we were first engaged, he would make me take my ring off when I saw her. And when we had been married for almost three months he refused to tell her that we were married because he didn't want to hurt her. It was not a good time. When a friend of mine who went to school with her innocently mentioned that she knew Michael's wife April - it was devastating to her. Her best friend had been married for three months and never bothered to tell her.
Don't get me wrong, at first - I was horribly jealous. I hated her. Despised her. I hated the fact that he cared so much about hurting her feelings that he was willing to sacrifice mine. I hated the fact that he simply wasn't jealous of anyone at all. He told me he was comfortable, he trusted me. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would. Being jealous wasn't going to prevent that.
Then I got to know her. She was one of the most considerate and genuinely nice people I've ever met. She now lives a few blocks away, and has keys to my house. We grocery shop together, and she eats dinner at our house probably four days or more a week. I probably talk to her at least once a day - if not more.
When I told a friend of mine how I met her - she balked - what the HELL do you mean your best friend is your husband's ex-girlfriend? To be honest, most of the time I don't even think about it. There are moments of pretty intense awkwardness at times, but for the most part it's o.k.
I trust her. I trust him. And I am not a trusting person.
She's been there for me through a lot of shit. A LOT of shit. So before anyone gets judgmental and telling me that I'm crazy - and will soon walk in on them getting it on in our bed - calm down.
Today, C2 emailed me - looking for Michael's contact info. I hate to say it - but isn't one of his ex-girlfriends in my life at a time enough? Is this the explanation for the hang up calls I keep getting from her hometown? Why is it that I'm not strong enough to fight the jealousy back on this? I know that she is happily married. She is a friend, and I don't really believe that she is intending to rekindle old flames.
I trust him. I know he loves me, with the same intensity that I love him. But there is still a small part - a quiet voice which reaches out from the darkness - and questions what I know as true.
Ugh.
And Christie - if you're reading this - please - I ask you do not keep reading.
No I'm serious. Stop.
First is C1. His first love in college - who looks frightenly like my sister D. When we first met, I was flipping through his college photo albums and I saw a picture of her and asked him why he had a picture of my sister in there. They look that much alike. From what I understand, they haven't talked in years. But there will always be a part of his heart that belongs to her. He would have married C1, but she wasn't ready for a lifelong commitment. I know that when he looks back - she will always be the "what if" that is looming in his mind when we go through rough patches. It would be wrong to say that we don't all probably have those "what if" individuals in our lives that we wonder about from time to time {admittedly I do myself}. So while I am jealous, at least theoretically of C1 - it is a harmless fear for the most part.
Second is C2. C2 was the one he "almost" married. They were together for around five years, and lived together most of those. After college, he went to the graduate school she got admitted to (even though he got into the best school in the country for his field) to be with her. He truly loved her - but this time he was the one who wasn't ready. After about five years she gave him an ultimatum - and he decided that while he loved her, marriage just wasn't the right thing for them. So they split ways, amicably. They still talk occasionally via email - updates from her about her kids, and holidays cards, etc. When we first started trying for a baby (about a year and a half ago - thus the "battling infertility" part of my header) he gushed to her about how excited he was that we would be starting a family. She (of course) conceived both times on the first month off the pill - and as the months drifted into a year, and then longer - I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when she asked him what the hold up was.
The third, is - however dysfunctional it is and may seem to others - my best friend. After C2(or rather - I should say during the end of their relationship) Christie entered the picture. They were together on and off for a number of years. They've known each other for at least ten years. Eventually the recognized that their relationship wasn't healthy for either of them, and they left the relationship as best friends.
When we were first engaged, he would make me take my ring off when I saw her. And when we had been married for almost three months he refused to tell her that we were married because he didn't want to hurt her. It was not a good time. When a friend of mine who went to school with her innocently mentioned that she knew Michael's wife April - it was devastating to her. Her best friend had been married for three months and never bothered to tell her.
Don't get me wrong, at first - I was horribly jealous. I hated her. Despised her. I hated the fact that he cared so much about hurting her feelings that he was willing to sacrifice mine. I hated the fact that he simply wasn't jealous of anyone at all. He told me he was comfortable, he trusted me. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would. Being jealous wasn't going to prevent that.
Then I got to know her. She was one of the most considerate and genuinely nice people I've ever met. She now lives a few blocks away, and has keys to my house. We grocery shop together, and she eats dinner at our house probably four days or more a week. I probably talk to her at least once a day - if not more.
When I told a friend of mine how I met her - she balked - what the HELL do you mean your best friend is your husband's ex-girlfriend? To be honest, most of the time I don't even think about it. There are moments of pretty intense awkwardness at times, but for the most part it's o.k.
I trust her. I trust him. And I am not a trusting person.
She's been there for me through a lot of shit. A LOT of shit. So before anyone gets judgmental and telling me that I'm crazy - and will soon walk in on them getting it on in our bed - calm down.
Today, C2 emailed me - looking for Michael's contact info. I hate to say it - but isn't one of his ex-girlfriends in my life at a time enough? Is this the explanation for the hang up calls I keep getting from her hometown? Why is it that I'm not strong enough to fight the jealousy back on this? I know that she is happily married. She is a friend, and I don't really believe that she is intending to rekindle old flames.
I trust him. I know he loves me, with the same intensity that I love him. But there is still a small part - a quiet voice which reaches out from the darkness - and questions what I know as true.
Ugh.
posted by April at 2:47 PM
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