Tied to a red balloon
The sky is rumbling and dark, and the rain is coming down in sheets. The downpour has muddled the ocean so it appears that there is just a continuous column of grey water in front of the windows.
In college, there was a small park about halfway between campus and my apartment. It was pretty quiet there most of the time, aside from the occasional jogger or someone walking their dog. I used to run there a lot in the early mornings - the euphoria of exertion a pseudo-replacement for sexual release.
When feeling contemplative, I would simply walk in the rain. Clothes plastered to me, and hair dripping - I would mull over my life. The solitude of the rain was relaxing, as each drop ran over my skin, I felt a bit of the unhappiness subside. It was the closest I have felt to absolution.
In a lot of ways I've had a difficult time living my life for me. I used to feel like it was a personal failing if a relationship didn't work out or if a friendship soured or drifted away. I stayed when I should have left. I returned again and again to emptiness.
I refused to acknowledge the yearning for what made me happy. I spoke up too late, too quietly - or often not at all about the things that should have been voiced. I settled. Again and again, I settled for a life of mediocracy instead of giving into the desires harbored in my heart. I quieted the passion coursing through my soul and lived a life of subtle melancholy.
Like anyone, I have regrets. Deep regrets that make my soul feel torn asunder when they are revisited. But nestled among them are bittersweet memories that still make me smile. Perhaps that makes the regrets more poignant... more tangible.
I wish I could go for a walk outside right now. I need to feel the caress of the water.
In college, there was a small park about halfway between campus and my apartment. It was pretty quiet there most of the time, aside from the occasional jogger or someone walking their dog. I used to run there a lot in the early mornings - the euphoria of exertion a pseudo-replacement for sexual release.
When feeling contemplative, I would simply walk in the rain. Clothes plastered to me, and hair dripping - I would mull over my life. The solitude of the rain was relaxing, as each drop ran over my skin, I felt a bit of the unhappiness subside. It was the closest I have felt to absolution.
In a lot of ways I've had a difficult time living my life for me. I used to feel like it was a personal failing if a relationship didn't work out or if a friendship soured or drifted away. I stayed when I should have left. I returned again and again to emptiness.
I refused to acknowledge the yearning for what made me happy. I spoke up too late, too quietly - or often not at all about the things that should have been voiced. I settled. Again and again, I settled for a life of mediocracy instead of giving into the desires harbored in my heart. I quieted the passion coursing through my soul and lived a life of subtle melancholy.
Like anyone, I have regrets. Deep regrets that make my soul feel torn asunder when they are revisited. But nestled among them are bittersweet memories that still make me smile. Perhaps that makes the regrets more poignant... more tangible.
I wish I could go for a walk outside right now. I need to feel the caress of the water.
posted by April at 10:14 AM
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